Dearest,
You are the person that has been beside me the longest.
I have solid proof for that. Yet it might be true that at the moment I am writing this post, I have so many things about me that you don’t know of, many stories we choose to keep to ourselves and our romantic partners. We do not share as many things anymore. Our communication has degraded to instant messaging sticker exchanges, short video calls, and questions about medical condition, final project, or some technical errors. Whereas we used to be the guys who play the game console together (or more like you play and I watch while constantly telling you what to do (which is almost always wrong when it comes to video games)), “play” basketball or baseball or skateboard or cycle around together (because we can’t really do sports, can we?), walk around the food court for a considerable amount of time deciding which food to choose, or even fight over chicken/candies/soft drink/food-related-stuffs. What happened?
Gengsi happens. In their puberty-laden teenage years, who would want to be seen hanging around with their own brothers and sisters, right? (Wrong). We (or at least I) actively want to differentiate myself from each other, wanting to look “cool” by hanging around with the other “cool” kids, family members not included. Instead of playing the game consoles or having some quality chat, we’d rather be online with our own PCs or hanging out in Pondok Indah Mall. Not being outgoing is considered a sin in this “cool”-phase of ours (or mine), and so we went out from our nest.
We went out from our real nest, a.k.a. home, in 2010 when each of us got enrolled into different universities – the first academic institution we don’t go together, before earlier being in the same kindergarten through high school. Different cities. No big deal. We are overwhelmed by it that we often forget to call each other or even instant-messaged each other. None of us wanted to say “hi kangen nih” first, surely, even though eating a really delicious grilled fish in front of my dorm brought you up to my mind. We are busy catching up with new friends and lessons and activities that we did not allocate enough time for each other. We just take everything for granted. (On that note, we can’t even say a lavish happy birthday to each other (hence the creation of this post lol)). Gengsi happened and it costs us big time.
Romance happens. Along came crushes and love lines. As I had my first crush and you had yours, we were too shy to discuss about it with each other that we chose to stay silent. Unfortunately, with the current mainstream culture, love and romance takes up about 99% of our everyday concerns (this is a hyperbole, by the way). With simple logic, it is easy to understand why we did not talk as much as we were introduced to the world of romantic relationships.
As of now, we have our own romantic partners whom we spent at least 70% of our time with. They became the one whom we share our everyday stories with. They became the one whom we do our activities with. It is no longer me who you fight over which restaurant we should dine in anymore; it is her. It is no longer you who I tell to if I find an interesting website; it is him. At times, jealousy swells as I see you paid attention to her more than to me, perhaps the same way with you (I hope the same way with you, haha). At times, I wanted to win over your girlfriend to claim back “the girl who knows you best” throne. I wanted to be the one who gave you advice on what clothes to wear or WHETHER OR NOT YOU SHOULD TRIM YOUR FACIAL HAIR (it is in capslock because it’s A SERIOUS MATTER) (kidding :*) and you actually listen to. Childish and selfish, true, but you know….I just want you? (possessive sister alert)
However, I have came to realize that these role of ours have to be shared, or even passed on, as we grow old. I realize that at the latter stage of life, it is impractical (and impossible, really) for me to be pegged to you all the time (imagine me following you to the remote islands of Indonesia for the puskesmas thing). I realize that having someone else as your significant other does not eliminate our relationship entirely; conversely, it brings an extra family member. All the more joy to be felt!
Adulthood happens. Ageing is inevitable. It is just natural. Surely, we cannot be kids forever, can we? And as we grow older, we receive more responsibilities. We have demands to be fulfilled, and we have dreams to be achieved.
Couple of years from now, you will be sent to the remote islands of Indonesia (amin!) and perhaps I will be in bustling Jakarta working in a fancy office (amin to that as well). Some years later, you (or me) might get married to someone else, starting a new little family. Some years later, who knows? You would be a specialist and I would be something else (wk yup I’m more ambiguous in that part). I might be traveling the world, you might too, and we might not be each other’s travel partner anymore.
You will finally achieve your lifelong dream to be a doctor, a profession I honestly think fits you quite well, noting your patience and all that. Me? I have achieved my dream to study in the UK for the current time, and who knows what my future endeavors would be like. I cannot give an exact answer to what I will do now but I can assure you that I am chasing my dreams; we both are chasing our dreams.
While it is factual that adulthood is inevitable, I would like to argue that being more mature doesn’t mean that we should drift away from each other, making distance along the way to reach our dreams. For that, I ask for your forgiveness.
I ask for your forgiveness for not being attentive and expressive enough in expressing my feelings towards you. I ask for your forgiveness for taking you for granted, often putting you just in the background. I ask for your forgiveness (and your girlfriend’s, too) for being childish at times and prioritizing my feelings and emotions over yours, especially in the context of our own romantic relationships. I ask for your forgiveness if I had been too controlling (an apology I think applicable since 1995). I ask for your forgiveness if I had been a lousy twin sister 😉
Although it is true and almost inevitable that we (you) cannot play Xbox (well it practically is broken) together everyday anymore, nor challenge each other in Guitar Hero (in which I would play in a difficulty level lower than yours) (omg I miss that game!), nor travel abroad as much together anymore, nor *insert any fun memories you have with me here* anymore, I do know that you still care for me and conversely, you should know that I do and will always care for you.
You will always be that other part of me (literally); you will always be my significant other.
(well, it’s not like you can change that, you know, we are like, twins.)
Happy twentieth birthday! (There is a growing trend of trying to be the last one who gave a birthday wish, you know.)
alectronafelidae 